Hold On! (docudrama)
A short link to this play:
https://www.quimka.net/59997
Hold On! (docudrama)
Simha Nyr, Adv
The US president presents Hamas and Israel with an offer that is difficult to accept, but even more difficult to refuse, because it gives both sides “carrots” they have never dreamed of, but also “sticks” that aren’t easy to swallow. Hamas accepted the offer, and now it is on the table of the Israeli government, for a vote.
A three act play
©
All rights reserved
Hold On!
Personae operandi (in order of entering the stage, for the first time):
Joe Biden, President of the United States of America
Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel
Abdel-Fattah al-Sisi, President of Egypt
Yahya Sinuar, head of the political bureau of Hamas
Israeli Cabinet Secretary, Yossi Fux
50 Cabinet members
***
Act I
Scene I
The Oval Office, The White House, Washington, DC
Prime Minister’s Office, Jerusalem.
Attending:
Joe Biden, President of the USA
Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel
Telephone call
US President, Joe Biden:
Mr. Netanyahu, can you convene the plenum of your government? I have something important in the pipeline, I need the approval of your entire government, without internal debates in your coalition, and without Jacob Bardugo.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu:
What is “convene”? What is “plenum”? What is “internal”?
US President, Joe Biden:
Frankly, my friend, I know not. Something from Google Translate.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu:
Just a minute, let me google it. Hold on. Yes, I got it! When do you want me to “convene the plenum”?
US President, Joe Biden:
Today, but keep your ministers awake as long as it takes, and be ready at any moment to discuss and decide, because it’s cooking now, and at the right moment you won’t have much time to discuss and decide.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu:
Does it mean days and weeks?
US President, Joe Biden:
It’s possible, I don’t want to commit to anything, and if necessary, I’ll airdrop them coffee and biscuits for two thousand years, and you’ll still have some left over. I also still have some sleeping bags left from Afghanistan, just tell me how many ministers you have in the government now, because it is constantly swelling, and my retarded intelligence services do not keep me updated. as it happens with yours.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu:
Starting tomorrow morning, Israel time, is that okay with you?
US President, Joe Biden:
Barely, but I hope it will be OK. And, by the way, prepare speakers, so that all the ministers can hear, and they won’t be able to say rega-rega, Bibi, you acted behind our backs.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu:
No problem, we do it anyway, in any cabinet meeting.
US President, Joe Biden:
You will hear from me again, soon.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu:
Yalla, bye.
Act II
Scene I
The Oval Office, The White House, Washington, DC
Presidential Palace, Cairo, Egypt.
Attending:
Joe Biden, President of the United States
President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi
Telephone call
US President, Joe Biden:
Mr. al-Sisi, do you have a permanent talk with the Hamas leadership?
President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
Sure-sure, hold on, I’m calling them.
US President, Joe Biden:
Wait with it. Let them hold on. I have a crazy idea for solving the situation in the Gaza Strip.
President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
Well, I’ll call them now, and tell them to hold on. Fortunately my finance minister approved two lines for me, otherwise how could I get along.
US President, Joe Biden:
Fortunately the Congress approved the same for me before the midterms, because today the House of Representatives is controlled by the Republicans.
The President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
Wait, Joe, I’m calling him. Hold on.
Scene II
Presidential Palace, Cairo, Egypt.
Hamas headquarters, deep in a tunnel, Gaza Strip
Attending:
the President of Egypt, Abdel-Fattah al-Sisi
Yahya Sinouar, the head of the political bureau of Hamas
Telephone call
The President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
Hello, Yahya, it is Sisi!
Yahya Sinuar, head of the political bureau of Hamas:
Do you have any tidings for us?
The President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
What is “tidings”?
Yahya Sinuar, head of the political bureau of Hamas:
Frankly, my friend, I know not. Something from Google Translate.
The President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
Just a minute, let me google it. Hold on. Yes, I may have some “tiding” for you, maybe in the next hour, but you have to wait, because when the news comes you won’t have much time to decide.
Yahya Sinuar, head of the political bureau of Hamas:
We are all here in the same tunnel, “in the same boat”, as one says, and I have no problem in bringing everyone together in five minutes and twenty-three seconds. We have already practiced it many times.
The President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
Shukran, marhaba.
Yahya Sinuar, head of the political bureau of Hamas:
Marhabten.
Scene III
The Oval Office, The White House, Washington, DC
Presidential Palace, Cairo, Egypt.
Attending:
Joe Biden, President of the United States
President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi
Telephone call
The President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
Mr. Biden, I hear you. What crazy idea do you have?
US President, Joe Biden:
My crazy idea is an immediate armistice, in exchange for the immediate return to Israel of all the hostages, dead or alive.
Take into account, let Sinuar also take into account, that “armistice” is much more than “ceasefire” or “truce”. An armistice is, per Wikipedia:
[…] a formal agreement to cease all military operations in a conflict permanently. It ends the war, but it does not establish peace; for that, a peace treaty must be negotiated and ratified. But in an armistice, the parties make a commitment to stop trying to settle their differences on the battlefield.
This plan gives Hamas much more than they have ever expected, much more than six weeks of ceasefire, but it also binds them as it binds the Israelis, and as far as your friends in Hamas are concerned, they will have to give up all their ambitions to destroy the Zionist entity and throw all the Jews into the sea.
My government’s contribution to this arrangement is that the 14 billion dollars I am supposed to get from Congress, as military aid to Israel for the continuation of the war, I will divide into two halves: 7 billion I’ll transfer to the reconstruction of the Gaza Strip and the return of its inhabitants back to their homes, and, as the Israelis often ask, “what about the second half”, that half I will only give them for civil uses.
The President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
And what about…
US President, Joe Biden:
Wait, I’m not done yet.
The Gazans should understand that if they violate the armistice agreement, I will immediately let Israel return to war and do as they please in the Strip, and they will receive all the necessary military assistance from me.
The President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
And what about…
US President, Joe Biden:
Wait, I’m not done yet.
As I said, an armistice agreement binds both sides, and if Netanyahu, who is mostly known as a most reliale politician, tries to outsmart us, I will immediately stop all aid to Israel, security and civil, and stop also the 3.8 billion a year that Obama gave them for the next ten years, and they are still receiving it – I won’t let them see that either, even in their dreams.
The President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
And what about…
US President, Joe Biden:
Wait, I’m not done yet. I know what you want to ask, and I have prepared answers for all.
Hamas will also demand the release of all their prisoners, that’s clear, but if they want to provide Netanyahu and his friends with pretexts to say rega-rega, let them insist on this condition, but according to my plan, I leave no room for negotiations, because negotiating with Netanyahu means melting the issue in hope that after this November they will have Trump in the White House again.
Therefore my offer is take it or leave it. I will also prepare the armistice agreement for them as such.
I will leave the issue of their prisoners to negotiations through my mediation, after the armistice takes effect, and I will do everything that both sides will be satisfied, and the Progressives and non-committals in Michigan will also be satisfied – without them I cannot win a second term.
So as you know me, I have sticks and carrots for all sides, and I have the ambition to connect all the dots even before the November elections – for my political ego, for the Nobel Peace Prize for my place in history, and also – a marginal detail – to defeat Trump in these elections.
The President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
And what about…
US President, Joe Biden:
Patience, I’m not done yet.
The last question is how to assure Hamas that after the release of the hostages, Netanyahu will not say anything for a moment, we jokingly said and we will continue until complete victory, and how to assure Israel that after signing the truce and the cessation of hostilities, Hamas will not say anything for a moment, we jokingly said and we are not returning even a hostage one.
The President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
Well, how will you guarantee it?
US President, Joe Biden:
That’s exactly where I need your contribution: when Sinuar and his friends sign the agreement, they hand over the hostages to your trusteed hands, and if the Israelis refuse to sign, you immediately return all the hostages to Hamas.
The President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
And if there is a dispute about who “hostages” are, what then?
US President, Joe Biden:
There will be no dispute, because according to the agreement, the hostages will be defined as anyone who is in the hands of Hamas against their will, whether they are Israelis or non-Israelis, whether they were kidnapped on or after October 7, 2023, or they were kidnapped before, including dead bodies that Hamas is holding as hostages.
Yet, if there will still be a dispute – I will be the arbitrator, and if the parties do not trust me – there will be no agreement, or they will look for an arbitrator who will be agreed upon by both – it’s fine with me.
And one more word: as part of the agreement, Hamas will provide a full list of all the hostages they, and if the Israelis suspect that Hamas is leaving “bargaining cards” in its hands for “future use” – there will be no agreement.
The agreement will reach your desk within half a minute, both by fax and by email.
The President of Egypt, Abdel Fattah al-Sisi:
Yes, it has arrived, and thank you. Of course I agree to act as the trustee on the hostages, for the benefit of both parties.
US President, Joe Biden:
Carry on, friend.
Act III
Scene I
The Oval Office, The White House, Washington, DC
Prime Minister’s Office, Jerusalem.
Attending:
Joe Biden, President of the USA
Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel
Telephone call
US President, Joe Biden:
Mr. Netanyahu, I sent you the agreement half an hour ago, signed by all the leaders of Hamas, and authenticated by the Egyptian President al-Sisi, with a request to forward copies thereof to all your ministers.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu:
I got it, I’ve one that immediately, and thanks.
US President, Joe Biden:
Thank you.
For your information, the hostages are already in Egypt, and they are waiting for your government’s decision to bring them home, or return them to suffer in the Hamas tunnels.
I did mine, al-Sisi did his, Hamas did his, now everything is in your hands.
I suggest you don’t even dream of Operation Entebbe 2.0, because the facility where they are being held is completely trapped, and any attempt you make to free them by military action will result in its collapse on the hostages and on your soldiers, if they try to approach it.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu:
What style of speech is this, sir!
US President, Joe Biden:
It’s not a matter of style, ask attorney Simha Nyr. Can we continue?
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu:
Definitely.
US President, Joe Biden:
Thanks.
No, don’t worry about the lives of the Egyptian soldiers and policemen guarding them – they won’t be there. They monitor the facility from afar, with the ability to detonate it remotely.
You have now half an hour to get back to me with your government’s answer. I hope you still have enough coffee and biscuits left for this meeting, and I don’t need to airdrop to you another shipment. You don’t need to return the sleeping bags from Afghanistan, because I have no intention of going back there, but if you pray for Trump’s return to the White House – maybe he will ask them back.
Carry on, Bibi.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu:
I already have the ministers. The meeting will be short because I distributed copies of the agreement to everyone, they don’t need time because everyone knows everyone’s opinion, so there is not much room for attempts at persuasion – just vote for and against, and count the votes.
According to section 20 of the Interpretation Law, 1981-תשמ”א, “an action imposed on a number of people is kosher if it were done by the majority of them”, so it doesn’t seem to me that there won’t be a majority for any decision, positive or negative.
Scene II
Prime Minister’s Office, Jerusalem, conference room.
Attending:
Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu
Cabinet Secretary, Yossi Fox
50 Cabinet members
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu:
Members of the government, half an hour ago I forwarded to you copies of the agreement proposed to Hamas and to us by President Biden, with the support of President al-Sisi.
To President Biden’s credit, it can be said that he tried to get out of his hands an agreement that both parties could digest, willingly or unwillingly.
As you can see, Hamas has already signed it, and it is up to us to decide whether to adopt or reject it.
President Biden didn’t give us room for negotiation, but only to accept or reject the agreement.
I was told that the hostages are already in Egypt.
You had half an hour to crystalize a position, to try to convince, or to be convinced, and I suggest that we go straight to the vote. Yossi, are you ready?
Cabinet secretary, Yossi Fux:
ready, always ready.
Minister without a portfolio, Galit Distel-Atbarian:
Can’t we arrange a kind of Entebbe 2.0?
Minister of Transportation and Road Safety, Miri Regev:
Can’t we arrange a kind of Entebbe 2.0?
Minister for Regional Cooperation and Minister in the Ministry of Justice, Dudi Amsalem:
Can’t we arrange a kind of Entebbe 2.0?
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu:
No, it’s impossible, President Biden told me that he suggests we don’t even dream of such an operation, because the facility where the hostages are kept is completely trapped, and any attempt by us to free them through military action will result in its collapse on its occupants and our soldiers, if they try to approach it.
Let’s get to vote. Who is in favor? Thanks, hands off. Who is against? Thanks, hands off.
THE END