Israeli humour

A small child to his friend: "my next-door neighbor has AIDS".

The other child asks: "what is 'neighbor'?".

* * *

A kibbutsnik (a member of a kibbuts, a collective farm) comes to the big city, first time in his life, and goes to the zoo.

Seeing a giraffe he rubs his eyes, opens them again, and says: "there is no such animal!".

* * *

An American engineer to his Israeli guest: "do you know the Hudson bridge? I built it!".

The Israeli to his host: "do you know the Dead Sea? I killed it!".

* * *

An American farmer to his Israeli colleague: "in the morning I take my car, and by the evening I reach the other end of the ranch".

The Israeli answers:"yes, I also have such a car".

* * *

A man walking in a street of a city, on a dark night, hears psssssssssssst!

He turns back, sees a young woman, dressed micro-micro.

"How much?", he asks.

"Fifty lirot, she answers.

"Don't you think it's too expensive?", the man asks.

"Do you know how much it costs me?!", the woman replies.

* * *

A person enters an elevator, aims a gun at the elevator boy, and says: "take it to Havana, will you?".

* * *

A scorpion asks a frog to take him across the Suez Canal.

Frog: "No, I won't. I know you from Aesop's fables. You will sting me in the middle of the canal".

Scorpion: "Don't be so stupid. First – this story is mis-attributed to Aesop, but no one takes responsibility for its truth; second – I am another scorpion, not the one from that fable".

F: "However, you are a scorpion, from his notorious family".

S: "But it's not logical, because if I sting you, I will drown as well, and I have absolutely no such interest".

So, the frog, convinced, loads the scorpion on its back, turns the taximeter on, and glides into the water.

In the mid-canal the scorpion stings the frog, and plum-plum-plum … they start drowning.

F: "Hey-hey-hey … you said it's illogical …".

S: "Do you really look for logic in the Middle East?!".

* * *

A fox sits on a tree top, holding a nice piece of cheese.

A crow lies on the ground, under the tree, waiting …

One bright morning, after three months, the crow opens www.xxx.co.il, and shouts up: "fox, fox, do you hear me? Yoram Aridor (minister of finance, early eighties) has raised the prices of cheeses!".

The fox says "WOOOW", and the cheese falls straight to the mouth of the crow.

Recovering from the shock, the fox answers in a "sportive" manner: "very nice, my friend, very nice, but why did you wait three months for doing that?".

Crow: "I have waited three months, because I like expensive cheeses".

Fox: "you could do it before, wait three months, and eat the cheese when the prices rise".

Crow: "yes, but what about the storage expenses?".

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Quimka's email: quimka@quimka.com

Quimka's websites (Hebrew): www.quimka.net, www.quimka.com.